Nurse/Kayaker/Girl/Human: Heal Thyself!
Starting out a new contract job as a travel nurse was more challenging than I had expected. There are multiple things to adjust to: higher patient: nurse ratios, a different electronic medical records system (charting! Ugh!), a new patient population than I am not accustomed to, different workflows, physicians, unit culture, etc. Now, I have won the lottery on nurse managers and co-workers for my first contract job, and I am incredibly grateful for that. But, starting out at this first job has definitely taken some adjustment.
My first week off orientation was rough. I think I’ll leave out the details here, but the first two shifts were really, really hard. Cue raining mental demons…
The week ended well. I phoned a friend for support, got some exercise, focused on my nursing practice and how to improve it, felt much more organized and efficient by my last of three shifts, and made my best effort to mentally process the work week. Then, I did what all normal people do when they want to feel better; I went kayaking.
My friend Laurie is in nursing school a few hours away, and she drove down to paddle for the weekend. We had started kayaking around the same time but she had quickly outpaced me in terms of skill and difficulty level of what she was kayaking. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. She told me that she hadn’t been paddling much and felt a little rusty, and I told her that I felt self-conscious paddling with her on a class 3 run that I’d never been on due to differences in skill and my own ever-present whitewater anxiety. She reassured me that she just wanted to have a fun weekend and that of course there was no pressure.
And….it was awesome. Total soul cleanse for both of us.
On Saturday, we paddled the Pigeon Gorge. It was easy class 3 read-and-run paddling. Super fun. Not stressful. No issues. Also, fun side note: they call this river “The Dirty Bird”. It was seriously polluted by a paper mill for many years. Apparently they’ve done a lot of clean up and it’s better than it used to be, but I still tried really hard not to accidentally inhale/swallow any river water, because, you know, infections in your GI tract pretty much suck.
On Sunday, we went down the Middle Ocoee with some new friends. Class 3+ and continuous, which for me was stressful. In general, the situation felt a little hectic. Despite feeling a bit gripped for that 3 hour span, I kept my head on straight, which thinking back on later, I was proud of. As those of you who do whitewater sports, or really any outdoor adventure-type sport will no doubt understand, my biggest weakness in kayaking is my brain, and that mean little voice that pipes up all too often: “You’re gonna swim and look stupid! You can’t do this! You should just go home.” I reined it in, had a clean run, and finished up with a smile on my face and some new friends.
Sunday night, we camped at one of the local rafting outfitters. The rafting outfitters in the southeast are awesome! Many of them have campgrounds, showers, and restaurants, and you can pay to have someone run your shuttle (so that you don’t have to play musical cars at the beginning or end of the run). Since it was Labor Day weekend, there was a definite party atmosphere that night, with the sprawling, shady campground full, cars with brightly-colored kayaks and canoes on their roof racks everywhere, and a band playing in the seriously adorable Bus Bar (It’s made out of a school bus. The bathrooms were also in a school bus). We even met up with another paddler friend from Oregon who lives in Georgia now. As Laurie said, “Erin! We went paddling today and then ended up at a country music festival in the middle of nowhere!” Ha! Awesome.
On and off the river, we talked about many aspects of the last year of our respective lives: work, school, change, kayaking, relationships, heartbreak, goals, and self-doubt. We talked about our insecurities and each had honest reassurance and strength for the other. We drank some beer and snuggled with her dog. We paddled in warm water with just rash guards (no dry top! LOVE it!!), and soaked up the sunshine and the beautiful green jungle-like vegetation.
Here comes my favorite part. Ready?
On Monday, we paddled the Chattooga River. The friends who had showed us down the Ocoee the previous day connected us with their friend Amanda, who lives in South Carolina about a mile from the Chattooga. She cheerfully offered to show us down. We were both excited about paddling yet ANOTHER new section of river that weekend. I asked Amanda which section of the Chattooga we would be paddling. She said we could do Section 4, as none of the river sections upstream were in (it’s the end of the summer and the fall rains have yet to come). She advised me not to read what the guidebooks said about it, that it had a bit of a bad reputation but was very forgiving at this level. Naturally, I pulled out my local paddling guidebook and read the description. Class 4 it said, with a bit of class 5 at high water. Sieves. Some deaths on that section throughout the years. Ummmmm…..WAY out of my wheelhouse. I paddle class 3, not class 5. I messaged her back, thanked her profusely for generously offering to take two strangers down the river, and added that I would love to paddle Section 3 of the river with her once the rains came and the water level was better. There was some back-and-forth communication where I explained my weaknesses and concerns, she chatted on the phone with our mutual friend from the Ocoee to assess my paddling skills, and she reassured me that at the level the river was running at, all big drops could be scouted AND walked, and that “ you would be encouraged to follow your heart to run or walk whatever feels good to you.” She had me at “you would be encouraged to follow your heart”. Laurie and I discussed it. We were in.
Section 4 of the Chattooga is where the movie “Deliverance” was filmed. I also have some kind of funny/sweet personal history there from years ago, which maybe I’ll tell you about sometime if you’re lucky. 😉 Last but not least, it is also drop-dead gorgeous. It is one of the very few rivers around here that are free-flowing; most rivers in this part of the country are dammed, and you have to check the release schedule to see if there will be enough water being released on a given day to paddle. They literally turn the water on and off, which coming from the Pacific Northwest, has taken some getting used to. The water of the Chattooga is clear and beautiful, with some really pretty boulders/rock walls throughout. We even saw some cute turtles having a turtle get-together in the middle of the river and, you know, talking about turtle things.
Needless to say, I was incredibly nervous. But…within ten minutes, I knew we were good to go. Amanda is probably the best river guide (who has actually never worked as a river guide!) that I’ve ever met. She was calm, direct, and encouraging, and gave clear, concise information. She was both proud of and totally in love with her home run, and knew all the little ins, outs, and cool things to look at along the way. She pointed out safety hazards (mostly that came into play at higher water), and alternate lines through the rapids (again, options at higher water). After scouting the first drop, Seven Foot Falls, I felt calm. I understood her style and the character of the river. I was ready. I paddled into it with my heart trying to explode out of my chest, and landed it with no problem.
Five Falls is the last set of rapids on this run. At high water, all five drops turn into one continuous rapid laden with some potential serious consequences for errors. There are a couple of holes that get really retentive, and some sieves where there have been fatalities at higher water levels. At this level, we could break it down and run one by one. I had assumed going into the day that I would walk around the entire thing. I walked the first and most technical of the drops, Corkscrew, as I didn’t feel confident that I could pull it off. I ran the rest. I missed my line on the last drop, Soc-Em-Dog, and went over it sideways, flipping over at the bottom. After rolling up and coughing the water out of my lungs, I just started laughing. Then, we had one more small rapid, and the two mile flat water paddle to the takeout.
Later on, Laurie said, “Erin, do you realize that you only walked ONE of the five drops?” I did realize that. I also knew that there was no shame in walking all those drops (and every other rapid on the river, for that matter), but I had looked at the others and said to myself, I know I can do that. And if I don’t, the consequences at this level are very low. So I did it. And it felt amazingly good.
All of us struggle with our own mental demons. I am certainly not perfect, but I can always do better. I can lean on people and let them lean on me. I can find strength in myself and with other people and figure out how to do better next time. I can take a deep breath and live my life. I hope you will too.