On Being a Whole Person With a Complete Life

It is July of last year, and I am curled into a fetal position in the back seat of my friend Carrie’s SUV in 90 degree heat somewhere in eastern Washington state. After asking what/ if there was anything they could do to help, everybody else went inside the restaurant and left me to call my boyfriend and deal with the truly horrible news I had just received.

A couple of days prior, I had decided that I needed to end our relationship. I had been on a multiday river trip in the middle of nowhere in Idaho, and called my boyfriend after getting off the river to let him know all was well and we were driving home to Portland that night. He told me that he was in Alaska and that his dad and stepmom had died suddenly and unexpectedly in an accident in the mountains.

Thus, the fetal position in the back of a car in 90 degrees in July. I have never felt so lost. For the next few months, I felt like I was constantly reaching out to grasp any hand that I could hold. As it turned out, there were many, and they held me steady.

We eventually broke up several months later. It was awful and sad and incredibly hard. I went to a lot of therapy; before, during, and after. It was the longest relationship I had ever been in- 5 years- and the only partner that I had ever lived with. I had thought at one point that this was it and we would spend our lives together. For the record, he is a great guy who is liked and respected by everyone who knows him; however, we are two different people with what turned out to be some insurmountable differences. Also, if you don’t water your relationship, it will die. I didn’t water mine. It died.

I had given some thought to travel nursing, and given my general lack of boyfriends, children, dogs, and everything else that keeps people in a place, I decided that it was a good time to try it. That is how I found myself 37, single, unemployed, and the proud new owner of a gutted, big-ass former construction van by June of this year.

You know those moments where you stop and think to yourself, “What in the hell am I doing?” There were lots of those. LOTS. I nearly panicked and sold the van several times. But, I just kept telling myself to keep going…working on the van, moving out of my apartment, putting my stuff in storage, coordinating with my dad about the van build out, applying for out of state RN licenses, etc. I just kept taking steps, and time moved forward, and [with a lot of help/support/cheerleading! You know who you are, team!] I moved forward. Now it is September and I am LITERALLY writing this in a van down by the river.

In addition to the more tangible changes of job, living situation, etc. that I have made the past several months, my life philosophy has changed a bit over the past year as well; I have decided that it is okay to let myself be pretty vulnerable with people. I am not exactly sure where the need to do this came from, but it showed up, and I decided to go with it. I have come to firmly believe in not backing away from things that might be good or healthy or learning experiences, even if there is the risk of heartache. This has already created some challenges for me in life, and I expect it to do so again in the future. But, here’s the thing:

I have spent SO MUCH time these past months pondering who I am, what I want out of life, and what is important to me. I have actually learned to talk about my feelings- with real words! OUT LOUD! I know who I am. I’m not afraid of my emotions and I trust myself more than ever. And something really sunk in for me the other day; I am a whole person with a complete life. Not complete as in “done, check, did all the things”, but complete as in “not missing something”. Complete. Whole. Satisfied.

I NEED my friends and I NEED my family. I need to go outside and run around in the forests, mountains, and rivers. I need to spend time with people that I care about. I needs books, change, variety, and learning…and maybe a new pair of earrings every once in a while. I think I even need Libby the Van; we’re kind of in a symbiotic relationship.

Honestly, everything else is just icing. It would be really awesome to fall in love and live happily ever after one of these day; however, it would be something that would enrich my life, not complete it. Because it’s already complete.

And despite that fact that tears are streaming down my face as I write this, because I’m a Pisces-

I am whole.