No Means No. Ask Permission. Pay Attention.

This is about a few experiences I have had with men in the past year that have left me feeling uncomfortable and unheard. Angry, defensive, and distrustful. And with a general lingering sense of “ick”.

This is about how I responded to these experiences, and how much I hate those responses.

This is about the garbage I think many of us have internalized about how we, of our respective genders, are supposed to act. This is about how even sometimes, men who I believe are genuinely good, well-intentioned people who care about others are lacking in the perception, boundaries, and listening skills that having healthy, successful interactions and relationships with women requires.

It’s about to get messy, team.

Ready?

We sleep together. It is consensual. We talk a couple of days later and I tell him that was way too fast for me. He agrees. Things seem ok. We decide to go for a hike a few days later.

I go over to his house to meet up. As soon as I show up, it becomes obvious that what I have said about things moving too quickly for me has not been clear. His hands immediately go to places where I do not want them to be. I say, “not today”, and step back. He says, ok. This process again repeats itself one more time before we leave to go hiking. And, again, I say no.

We get to the trailhead and have not gotten out of the car yet. Again. Same thing. Round #3. At this point I am frozen, miserable, not reacting at all, and looking out the window, and I say, with very clear anger in my voice, “You are really not a good listener, you know that?” He sort of jumps back and seems to realize for the first time that I am uncomfortable. He apologizes multiple times.

We go hiking. He kisses me several times and I let it happen. I don’t want to. I do not want this person touching me AT ALL. Why do I feel like I need to “play nice” and not make the situation awkward? Why am I worried about hurting this person’s feelings? This is NOT me. This is not how I was raised, not how I see myself at all. Much of my anger is directed at myself, at my own behavior.

I just want to go home and never see this person again.

I go home. I am obviously upset. My roommate asks me how I am, and I say that I had a bad/weird day and just sort of indicate that I don’t want to talk about it. I get into my bed and pull the covers up to my nose. That’s where I really want to be. In my bed. By myself. Safe.

The next day, he texts me and says he had a “lovely” time. I did not have a lovely time. I feel disgusting and disgusted. Disgusted at him and disgusted with myself. I feel guilty because I feel that I have sent a mixed message. I feel angry that I had to say “No” more than once. I had NEVER had to say “No” in a situation like this more than once. I had never had someone not listen the first time I said it. He texts me again the next day, I tell him I don’t want to see him again, and I apologize for not just telling him that before. He says ok, then apologizes “if I offended or upset you”. I do not respond. I feel sick about the entire thing.

I used to think that Robin Thicke song, “Blurred Lines”, was cute and funny. I do not think that anymore. Blurred lines are not cute and funny. They are scary and shitty and I do not like them at all.

I shouldn’t have to yell at someone, punch them in the face, get out of the car and call a friend to pick me up, or walk home for someone to listen to me when I say “No” in a polite fashion. But I wish I had done one or all of those things that day. I wish I had gotten back in my car immediately after things started taking the turn that they did, and gone home before we drove out to the trailhead. I wish I had said, “For fuck’s sake, I told you NO THREE TIMES!!” I didn’t do any of those things.

Unfortunately, a few other things happen over the next several months.

First, there was the guy I was dating for a little while, and at one point, I had to say “no” more than once. He listens after the second time. I discuss this with him. He does not understand that he has done anything wrong. In addition, near the end of that dating relationship, he insinuates that I am obligated to perform a specific sexual act on him, because, “I don’t ask for much, but I’m asking for this.” We talk about this a couple of months later, after we are no longer seeing each other. He is apologetic and clearly concerned when he realizes how much this bothered and hurt me, but I can tell that he did not experience the situation the way I did, and doesn’t really understand.

There was the guy I went on a hiking date with, and put his arm around me and kissed me after hanging out for, like, and hour and a half. I tell him that I am not interested in making out, and a few minutes later, I tell him that was too quick for me, and also explain that I have had a couple of situations the past year where I have felt pushed and boundaries have been crossed. He kisses me again after I tell him this. Again, for whatever crap reason, I feel obligated to not “create a situation”. I feel frozen inside myself. I want to be anywhere else. The afternoon proceeds in this fashion. I go home, again feeling disgusted with this other person for how they acted, and disgusted with myself for how I reacted, or rather, how I did not react.

There was the guy that I texted back and forth with for a couple of days. We had a really lovely, fun banter about a variety of topics, and I was looking forward to meeting him. At the end of our texting conversation that third night, things take what feels to me like an abrupt and strange turn. He starts joking around in a sexual way that I feel uncomfortable with. I say that I’m honestly not sure what to say, but that I was really tired after my 12 hour shift, and it would be best to maybe talk again the following day. I tell him that he has hit a nerve, but that I wanted to continue talking to him tomorrow after I had gotten some sleep. His response feels short, cold, and dismissive. And then he is gone. I am taken aback; I had expressed that I was uncomfortable and tried to be as honest as possible. And I was met with a wall, and silence.

Individually, these situations are not THAT big of a deal. I mean, I’ll live, right? However…they kind of feel like paper cuts. They sting. And, unfortunately, they have accumulated. Recently, I find myself becoming less trusting of men, and that my internal defenses are quickly triggered; lately, when there is any hint of this sort of thing, I can almost see the gates crashing closed, all the doors locking, the drawbridge pulling in, the lock down complete. And, in these moments, as well as after all of these situations had occurred, I could not help but think: There is something wrong with me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Here’s the part that I continually have a hard time wrapping my head around: all of the men that these situations occurred with presented themselves as kind, forward-thinking, good people who care about others, and want to help make the world a better place. Also, I genuinely believe that they view themselves as such, and do indeed have good intentions. On the flip side of that, I am someone who views myself as an independent, capable woman who knows my own value as a human being, and can take care of myself. So…what in the actual fuck is going on here?

Now, there’s a whole lotta Psychology of Women that someone with the appropriate background could discuss here in terms of unpacking these situations. (Here’s your minute to shine, armchair internet psychologists!) I’m not sure that I’m really qualified to go there, but I do feel educated enough to point out the fact that there are many intelligent, informed, professional people who have done peer reviewed research and found that clearly, I, like all women, have internalized some dumb B.S. about how we’re supposed to act. I can wax poetic about how progressive and feminist I am all day long, but, apparently, I am still a mere mortal.

Ladies: I KNOW some of you can identify with at least some of this. I simply cannot be the only one who has had these types of experiences, and/or reacted in the ways that I have. Here’s what I think: there’s nothing wrong with me. I mean, I am a flawed, imperfect, human being for sure, and I clearly have some work to do on myself, as we all do. However, there is nothing deeply WRONG about me. We, my lady friends, have been trained to give…to put on happy face, to not “make a big deal out of it”, etc. To be nice. To smile. It may be 2020, but this shit still lingers. And it is toxic and destructive.

And…for the guys: clearly, at least to some men, “No” still means “Maybe”. The frozen, minimally reactive woman in your presence is just “sweet”. You do not need to ask permission; you are supposed to make the first move. You’re the man, after all. You have likely been taught, in some way or another, that sensitivity and empathy is weakness, and you should strike first and ask questions later. You, my friend, have been trained to take. And this is toxic and destructive, too.

I do not and cannot expect anyone to be psychic. Do I need to make sure that I communicate my feelings and wishes clearly? Of course. However…

If you are a man who dates women and happens to be reading this, and you have ever taken “No” for an answer the first time, or asked permission before making a move you were at all unsure about, or sensed that the woman you were with was uncomfortable, and stopped and checked in with her about it…I deeply appreciate you, from the bottom of my heart. Feel free to give yourself a gold star. And maybe talk to your guy friends who date women. Hell, have them read this. Because…

Pay attention.

Ask permission.

No means no.

Thank you.